CBT Update

Sorry I haven't updated my diary for a while. As usual life got in the way. I will try to be better from now on! In one of my last posts I mentioned I was waiting to be accepted into a CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) programme. I was accepted and after waiting a couple of months for an appointment to become available I am now delighted to say I have started CBT! I have only had a couple of sessions so far but the results are already encouraging. I have had a few outright successes and a few successes which I still felt disappointed about (more on that soon). It is still early days but I am hopeful I may have finally found a solution for my SED!

CBT is an interesting treatment and incorporates various approaches and treatments. For my situation I am trying a process called graduated exposure therapy. The theory is that you create a hierarchy of situations that cause the anxiety and number them 1 - 10 in order of how anxious they make you, with 1 being the least and 10 being the most. In my situation my hierarchy is made up of different foods and numerous social situations which involve food. Then through developing various coping mechanisms you start working your way up through the hierarchy starting at 1. According to the theory of anxiety, every time you expose yourself to an anxiety inducing situation, the anxiety should disappear a little bit quicker each time you do it, until it doesn't happen at all. So at first anxiety levels will be sky high, but then the second, third, and fourth times it will disappear quicker and eventually will not happen at all. Then as you conquer each level of your hierarchy, it will be easier to tackle those foods which cause more anxiety. Sounds simple, but it is extremely hard and very much a battle.

The reason people like me get like this is (apparently) because we have learnt this behaviour over time and our brains now believe this is "normal" behaviour. So my brain reacts to new and different foods in a negative way because it has learnt this is the "correct" reaction to this situation. It has become so bad that eventhough there is a thought process involved I am no longer aware of it because my reaction is so instant. It has become a reflex. In the same way you would jump because there was a sudden loud noise, I panic when confronted with new or different foods. So a large part of CBT is breaking those thought processes down and examining and challenging the thoughts and feelings they produce. I also have to look at my mood and physical behaviour and be aware of how these can also affect my thoughts and feelings. In short I am having to unlearn the bad reaction and teach my brain the correct way to approach new foods by questioning the thoughts and feelings which trigger the anxiety.

I am actually finding this part fascinating as logically I know a lot of my thoughts are ridiculous and not grounded in any logic but all the same its hard shifting the impact they have on me. I also have to keep giving myself a "good talking to" and encouraging myself to stick with it, I can do this, keep focussed, keep calm etc while also acknowledging and challenging the thoughts I am having; why do you think that, what's the worse that can happen, does it matter if you don't eat it, spit it out, gag, throw up, etc etc. I know that its going to get harder and harder before it gets better, but I am also trying to hold onto the positive thought that it could "cure" me, if only I can keep pushing myself!

It has also been interesting learning about avoidance and why we choose to do it. I have avoided food situations so much that my brain learnt that avoidance and panic is the right reaction to that situation. One of the main reasons for this is the positive feeling which follows avoiding an anxiety filled situation. The sense of relief is a wonderful feeling and so fuels the negative behaviour of avoidance; face the anxiety and the anxiety rises or avoid and feel great! No wonder my brain learnt to avoid! Now I have to fight this avoidance culture in my life. I have to acknowledge the situations when anxiety causes me to feel like this and acknowledge I want to avoid, run away from trying that particular food. Once I have acknowledged it, I then have to face the anxiety and refuse to let myself wimp out and avoid the food. This is sooooooo hard and takes so much energy. I am, however, very determined to do this. I am literally attempting to reprogram a part of my brain. Wish me luck!