This week it was Shrove Tuesday and I really wanted to join in with everyone else across the country who were having pancakes. Dad is a fan of pancakes so he readily agreed to buying the pre-mixed batter and lemons. I was really looking forward to joining in. Yet on Tuesday when it was finally Pancake Day we had such a filling dinner that we just didn't want any dessert, even if it was pancakes!
So our Pancake Day was postponed until Thursday (yesterday) so we had a sort of Shrove Thursday! The excitement at trying them had not diminished and I happily helped mix up the batter. Dad cooked them and flipped them. He then put it on the plate, added lemon juice and a bit of sugar and rolled it up. Now it was ready to try!!
I have to be honest when I saw it all rolled up my first thought was "that looks a bit greasy" and the smell of it cooking had not exactly been the most pleasant cooking smell I have ever smelt! But thanks to Felix these little matters no longer make me gag or put me off trying new things. So with my spoon in hand, I broke off a piece and ate it.
It was not the most enjoyable experience. In fact I thought it was disgusting. It was very sweet and at the same time the lemon juice made it taste very sour. I had another few mouthfuls which considering I didn't like it, was a huge achievement as previously I would have stopped eating after the initial mouthful (if I had even managed to take a bite!). However the extra mouthfuls just confirmed my original thought... disgusting. It had a funny squishy texture and it smelt like a Yorkshire Pudding and tasted like a Yorkshire Pudding with sweet stuff on it. It was wrong. I love Yorkshire Puddings with a bit of gravy on, particularly Aunt Bessies. They are all puffy and crunchy. But these pancakes were a bit soggy, a bit greasy and just not nice.
I was disappointed not to like them, but then you can't like everything you try. They are also not one of the foods I could eat even if I am not a fan. These are firmly in the no thank you, I don't like them column. So Pancake Day is one day I will not be celebrating in future!
Friday, 20 February 2015
Wednesday, 18 February 2015
Homemade Smoothies and Soups!
The problem (and my excuse) is that as someone with SED food held absolutely no interest for me. If I didn't have to eat because of hunger pains I would not have eaten at all. So the idea of spending ages slaving over a hot stove to make a meal held no appeal. I couldn't see the point. I was not interested in eating the finished thing, so why would I want to cook it? As a result my cooking skills are very limited. "Put on baking tray and put in oven until you are certain its cooked or until its burnt and goes in the bin, while you have a sandwich instead", was about the style of my culinary exploits. Even after seeing Felix and my relationship with food began to improve, I never expected my cooking skills to improve nor my interest in it. I fully expected to have to force myself to learn how to prepare and cook the new food I was eating.
So imagine my surprise when I found myself wanting to make my own smoothies and soups! I knew that shop bought smoothies were not really that good for you as they were frequently targeted in the press for being full of sugars and other hidden nasties. So I didn't want to try them as it felt like making my weight issues worse instead of better. So I became obsessed about making my own smoothies. I had already spent 2 months lusting after a juicer after seeing a demonstration of one on television and being shown how you can get more nutrients into your body through juicing, and as I am still struggling with certain vegetables and fruit I thought this would be great for me. However juicers are extremely expensive and way out of my price range. Then in the January sales my Dad managed to get hold of one for £20. Result! Except it wasn't a juicer.... it was a smoothie maker!
Once we started with the smoothies I discovered I could also make soups in the smoothie maker too, as long as I didn't put in hot stuff. I could blend all the content up before hand and then cook it in the saucepan. I was so excited! I was really getting into this cooking lark! So we decided to try a root vegetable soup (potato, carrots, parsnip, swede and onion) and to give it a bit of taste we used a chicken stock instead of vegetable. It went well (we had to buy a set of scales to measure out the veg quantities!) but we ended up with a huge pot full! We cooked it and ate it. It was quite thick which was nice and ok but needed something else in it to give it a bit more flavour. Since seeing Felix I am no longer than keen on bland food, so the soup lacked the kick for me! I am now trying to work out what else I can add to give it more oomph and also looking for other recipes to try.
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| This is very similar to what our soup looked liked. Didn't have it with brown bread though! |
Suddenly we are buying smoothie makers, weighting scales, a mini grater for grating root ginger, buying root ginger (!), and looking at what other equipment we need in the kitchen!! I suddenly know stuff like the fact root ginger is good for digestion etc, or the vitamins in certain veg and fruit. I am also now obsessed about making our own stuff to avoid putting in all that artificial rubbish into our bodies!!! What is happening to me! I won't buy a Chinese ready meal because I want to make sure the veg is fresh, the rice is decent and the meat is cooked well with no artificial sweeteners or additives! I also now read the ingredients of tins, packets etc! I use to do this to check there was nothing in it I didn't like, now its to make sure what's in it is good for me!!
So I have also tried smoothies and homemade soups and will continue to add them to my new diet/lifestyle. I am also apparently turning into a bit of cook! Still can't believe this is me! I even suggestion to Dad we could make our own crumbles (not for me, but for him. Sweet stuff still holds little appeal for me and I don't want to encourage unhealthy stuff in my diet!). Dad reckons next step will be writing my own cookbook! Oh dear!
Monday, 16 February 2015
Christmas Red Cabbage, Savoury Biscuits and Bovril!
As part of my recovery I was really looking forward to Christmas as it was the first time ever I could look forward to the food! I had listened to others getting excited about the gluttonous season and all the lovely things they were going to eat, while I never had any interest and certainly couldn't join in. But Christmas 2014 was going to be different, thanks to seeing Felix in the summer. I already had a list of all the things I wanted to try over the festive season and I couldn't wait! Unfortunately life didn't quite agree with my plans as it decided to make money extremely tight, so we had to be a bit more careful about our Christmas food shopping. We still had nice food, I just had to rein in my list of foods to try!
I was never going to have Brussels Sprouts and even now that's one traditional food I am happy to avoid! However I did have a piece of roast parsnip with my carrots and petite pois peas, which I ate although I found it very sweet and not particularly nice. However its good for me, so I tried and since then whenever we have had a roast, I have had a piece of roast parsnip. Still not a fan, but I can at least eat it. I also wanted to try some red cabbage with my Christmas dinner. Up to now apart from peas I have not had much success with green veg and I still don't have any interest in trying actual cabbage. But for some reason I wanted to try red cabbage! And I did! We got this pot of red cabbage and apple from Tesco and I am proud to say I ate roughly one and a half tablespoons of it! It was quite nice, reminded me a bit of beetroot, probably because of the vinegar-ish taste. (Now it may well have had vinegar in it, I am not sure!). I couldn't eat any more than I did, but I am really proud of myself for eating what I did. Haven't had it since, but that's probably because I see it as a Christmas food! Its also very likely that I liked it because it didn't taste anything like cabbage or greens!
I was also looking forward to tasting different cheeses and savoury biscuits. Unfortunately we didn't have the budget to get many cheeses so we just stuck to the ones we like, although we did get a bit of Brie. I was planning on trying this but when my uncle tasted it on Christmas Day he said it was disgusting and not a good example of Brie. It was a very cheap one, so clearly price does sometimes matter. It will be back on the list for next time, when we can afford a slightly better version! I did however get to try some different savoury biscuits thanks to a Jacobs selection box of biscuits! So as well as the usual cream crackers and my favourites water biscuits and chedders, I also tried various other crackers. Some I liked, some were ok and some were vile! I also tried Tuc biscuits which I absolutely loved both on their own and with a bit of Cathedral City or Krackerbarrel Cheese on! Definitely will be having some of these again!
These were about the only things I tried over Christmas. I had hoped to try some different nuts, but the budget only stretched as far as peanuts and I was also hoping to try some different savoury snacks but again crisps and biscuits was as far as the budget stretched. Likewise with the drinks, although we do still have a couple of bottles of Schloer for me to try (red grape and white grape). I did try orange juice and lemonade (my Dad's current favourite drink). It was ok, but I am still not a fan of the acid orange taste.
The biggest and most immediate addition to my list of foods is Bovril on toast. Of all the things I thought I would like Bovril was not even on the list!! But for some reason one day I got the idea in my head that I wanted to try it. My Dad likes it but had not had it for a while so a new jar had to be bought. The only jars available were big jars and Dad was concerned it might go to waste if I didn't like it. He really didn't need to worry! We are already a quarter of the way down our SECOND jar! At first I only had very light dots of it on my buttered toast as it was quite a strong taste to begin with. But gradually I added more and more. Now I like a nice spread of it! In fact I LOVE Bovril on toast. Its become my most favourite snack. If I am feeling naughty I will add a piece of cheese on top and then its absolute food heaven for me!!! I never thought I would feel that way about food! I have it most days for lunch at the moment, so I am a bit worried I am becoming addicted to it! But apparently Bovril is very good for you, so its not the worse thing I could be eating!
I really get excited about food now. I never thought that would be possible for me. I also still can't believe the willingness to try new stuff and the curiosity of what foods taste like. We were watching a programme yesterday which included a segment about Wild Boar sausages, and I wondered out loud what they tasted like! Its really not me, but I am loving the new me! More soon!
I was never going to have Brussels Sprouts and even now that's one traditional food I am happy to avoid! However I did have a piece of roast parsnip with my carrots and petite pois peas, which I ate although I found it very sweet and not particularly nice. However its good for me, so I tried and since then whenever we have had a roast, I have had a piece of roast parsnip. Still not a fan, but I can at least eat it. I also wanted to try some red cabbage with my Christmas dinner. Up to now apart from peas I have not had much success with green veg and I still don't have any interest in trying actual cabbage. But for some reason I wanted to try red cabbage! And I did! We got this pot of red cabbage and apple from Tesco and I am proud to say I ate roughly one and a half tablespoons of it! It was quite nice, reminded me a bit of beetroot, probably because of the vinegar-ish taste. (Now it may well have had vinegar in it, I am not sure!). I couldn't eat any more than I did, but I am really proud of myself for eating what I did. Haven't had it since, but that's probably because I see it as a Christmas food! Its also very likely that I liked it because it didn't taste anything like cabbage or greens!
I was also looking forward to tasting different cheeses and savoury biscuits. Unfortunately we didn't have the budget to get many cheeses so we just stuck to the ones we like, although we did get a bit of Brie. I was planning on trying this but when my uncle tasted it on Christmas Day he said it was disgusting and not a good example of Brie. It was a very cheap one, so clearly price does sometimes matter. It will be back on the list for next time, when we can afford a slightly better version! I did however get to try some different savoury biscuits thanks to a Jacobs selection box of biscuits! So as well as the usual cream crackers and my favourites water biscuits and chedders, I also tried various other crackers. Some I liked, some were ok and some were vile! I also tried Tuc biscuits which I absolutely loved both on their own and with a bit of Cathedral City or Krackerbarrel Cheese on! Definitely will be having some of these again!
These were about the only things I tried over Christmas. I had hoped to try some different nuts, but the budget only stretched as far as peanuts and I was also hoping to try some different savoury snacks but again crisps and biscuits was as far as the budget stretched. Likewise with the drinks, although we do still have a couple of bottles of Schloer for me to try (red grape and white grape). I did try orange juice and lemonade (my Dad's current favourite drink). It was ok, but I am still not a fan of the acid orange taste.
The biggest and most immediate addition to my list of foods is Bovril on toast. Of all the things I thought I would like Bovril was not even on the list!! But for some reason one day I got the idea in my head that I wanted to try it. My Dad likes it but had not had it for a while so a new jar had to be bought. The only jars available were big jars and Dad was concerned it might go to waste if I didn't like it. He really didn't need to worry! We are already a quarter of the way down our SECOND jar! At first I only had very light dots of it on my buttered toast as it was quite a strong taste to begin with. But gradually I added more and more. Now I like a nice spread of it! In fact I LOVE Bovril on toast. Its become my most favourite snack. If I am feeling naughty I will add a piece of cheese on top and then its absolute food heaven for me!!! I never thought I would feel that way about food! I have it most days for lunch at the moment, so I am a bit worried I am becoming addicted to it! But apparently Bovril is very good for you, so its not the worse thing I could be eating!
I really get excited about food now. I never thought that would be possible for me. I also still can't believe the willingness to try new stuff and the curiosity of what foods taste like. We were watching a programme yesterday which included a segment about Wild Boar sausages, and I wondered out loud what they tasted like! Its really not me, but I am loving the new me! More soon!
Saturday, 1 November 2014
Photos of my grown up Food!
There is a slightly odd trend on Facebook for posting photos of your food. I have always found it a bit odd and in the realm of "who cares". However since seeing Felix there have been certain meals that I was so impressed with how they looked and that they were on MY plate that I had to photograph them as proof! They looked so grown up and colourful!
So as part of the catch up here are some photos of my recent grown up dinners!
Some of the mixtures might seem odd to some people but I am having to build up to certain things so I am putting together meals as best I can. Anyway, most importantly its new stuff and generally healthy stuff!
So as part of the catch up here are some photos of my recent grown up dinners!
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| Double cooked chips, closed cup mushrooms, petit pois peas and grilled rump steak (no dissecting into little bits although did cut off some large pieces of fat and gristle before I cooked it and not fried!). |
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| Fusilli pasta with mincemeat with a pasta tomato sauce (no bits) and stir fried vegetables in soy sauce. |
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| The raw veg prep before cooking stir fry - red, yellow and green peppers, closed cup mushrooms, petit pois peas, and carrots. There was also sweetcorn and finely diced onion but they were on a separate plate! |
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| Egg fried rice, stir fried vegetables in soy sauce and chicken in a cajun sauce (season and shake yum!). |
Wednesday, 22 October 2014
Food tried so far...
Yesterday I told you about how I had given up on the CBT and instead had a session with Felix a hypnotherapist. I saw Felix at the end of July so it has almost been three months. I am delighted to say that's three months on the road to recovery with only one week of a relapse! The food I have been able to try is unbelievable and I am so proud of myself. I have also already noticed huge improvements in my health in particular the condition of my hair and skin. Unfortunately weight lose has not happened yet, but I know it will, so I am just concentrating on developing and improving my eating. Once I have 7 different lunches and 7 different evening meals I can then start the serious fight to lose weight. I have devised (with my doctor) a three step recovery plan and I am currently working on steps 1 and 2. I will post my plan at some point as I think it would be useful to anyone wanting to lose weight and get healthier regardless of their eating issues.
As it has already been three months, its really not possible to share my thoughts and experiences of each time I tried something. But don't worry there is still more to come so I will try to be better at keeping this diary and recording the tries!
So in order to catch up, here is a breakdown of the food I have tried since treatment with Felix and what I thought of it:
1. Beetroot (yum!)
2. Beetroot salad from Tescos and Morrisons (yum yum!!)
3. Radish (vile never want to try again)
4. Closed cup mushrooms (delicious, I am now obsessed!)
5. Coleslaw (bleurgh)
6. Morrisons Potato Salad (bleurgh)
7. Quiche Lorraine (ok, didn't like the crust as it was too hard)
8. Raw Grated Carrot and raw sweetcorn (nothing special)
9. Raw green, red and yellow peppers (not very impressed and would rather not).
10. Tinned Red Salmon sandwiches homemade (gorgeous have them very often!!)
11.Battered Cod (not very nice, quite chewy - apparently wasn't a good example need to try a different battered Cod).
12. Black, Red and Green seedless Grapes (took a bit of getting use to but quite nice. Favourites are red).
13. Macaroni Cheese from Marks and Spencers (not very nice didn't finish it).
14. Flame Grilled Steak McCoys Crisps (very tasty but flavour gets quite intense after a while).
15. Nectarine (woody, not pleasant)
16. New Potatoes (lovely with a bit of butter melted on them)
17. Cooked sweetcorn (edible but still a challenge)
18. Corn on the Cob (yuck, too sweet and puts teeth on edge)
19. Petit Pois Peas (surprisingly nice, prefer these to normal garden peas which are minging)
20. Peach (prefer the ones with orange flesh, and love the tinned ones. Can't eat too much as flavour gets too sweet, but working on it).
21. Red Plum (nice)
22. Black Plums (gorgeous but gets very sweet, working on it).
23. Clementine (not nice, can't cope with the white pithy stuff).
24. Tinned spaghetti in tomato sauce on toast (nice).
25. Mincemeat in a smooth pasta tomato sauce (Goodness range from Tescos for kids! No bits).
26. Doritos (DISGUSTING)
27. Yoghurt - different kids yoghurt (too sweet and overpowering smell), Activia yoghurts various flavours, Tesco's low fat yoghurts banana, orange, and peach, Goats Yoghurt (vile), Natural Yoghurt, West Country Yoghurt, Ski yoghurt (so far not found any I like. Taking a break from them while I develop my taste buds. Will come back and try again before I decide if I am a yoghurt person or not).
28. Garlic croutons - (5) and cold pasta not sure of flavour (tried at the Harvester - alright).
29. Fried Egg on Gammon (gorgeous)
30. Fried tomato (scrapped out the middle and only ate a bit of the side. Not horrible, not nice. Need to try more).
31. Cheese & Tomato Baguette Pizza (ate half, ok but tomato quite strong flavour).
32. Cheese Feast Pizza (really not great)
33. Strawberries (not bad but can only eat a few at a time and still struggle with the seeds).
34. Barbecue Flavour Chicken (nice).
35. Cathedral City Baked Bites Mini biscuits (gorgeous!!)
36. Tesco Italian Range Beef Lasagne (very nice, quite a lot of pasta).
37. Thinly sliced Pork loin slices - not fatty (delicious).
38. Walkers Deli Crisps Cornish Mature Chedder Flavour (lovely, very tasty).
39. Walkers Deli Crisps Balsamic Vinegar of Modena Flavour (delicious - my new favourite crisps!).
40. Hellmens Mayonaise (need to retry with something else).
41. Tomato Ketchup (have it with a lot of things now - a bit addicted!).
42. Cadburys Chocolate Button Dessert (vile - far too sickly and sweet).
43. Dolmio Pasta Vita Carbonara (really unpleasant - not a good example, will need to try carbonara another way).
44. Multigrain Ryvita (nice - but need to have butter and cheese on it).
45. Seriously Strong Spreadable Cheese (not much taste, and not very nice).
46. Pepperoni Pizza (yum yum)
47. Ham & Mushroom Pizza (my favourite pizza so far).
48. Chicken Fajitas Pizza (horrible)
49. Tinned Mandarins (I quite like these, but can only eat a few segments at a time. Working on it).
50. 1 leaf of Spinach hidden in a cheese roll (ate it but the thought of it caused panic and anxiety to set in so didn't push it. Haven't repeated this yet).
51. Hartley's Orange Jelly no added sugar (really odd texture and very sweet. Ate the whole pot, but not a fan and not bothered about trying again).
52. Uncle Ben's Egg Fried Rice - cook in the microwave pouch (love this, really struggled with rice, but love this).
53. Chicken marinated in soy sauce (really loved this but the salty taste got really strong very quickly which was unfortunate).
54. Vegetables cooked in soy sauce - red, green and yellow peppers, sweetcorn, carrot, diced onion, petit pois peas, mushrooms (love this so much! Have had it a lot. So tasty!).
56. Runner Beans (added to the veg stir fry above - really did not like the beans).
57. Beef Casserole ( disgusting. The meat is horrible and chewy and fatty and bleurgh).
58. Elmlea Double Cream Whipped (very nice with Vanilla Ice Cream and some tinned fruit - Naughty!)
59. Cathedral City Spreadable Cheese (ok but nothing special. Lacks the strong flavour of the normal cheese).
60. Wholemeal toasted teacake and butter (nice nothing special).
61. Southern Fried Wedges (a bit hot but nice)
62. Fish Fingers (ok but prefer something else).
63. Stir Fry x2 - Same rice and veg as before but chicken cooked in chow mein stir fry sauce (a bit sweet but nice. Will have again).
64. Lemon and Brown Sugar basted roast Chicken from Morrisons (bloody beautiful. Definitely have again).
65. Morrisons Cheese & Onion crinkle crisps (one of my new top 5 crisps).
66. Mexican - Fajitas with chicken in El Paso Sauce, peppers, diced onion, tomatoes, shredded lettuce, with sour cream and chive dip wrapped in tortillas (this really went badly as we followed my Mum's recipe of adding lemon and lime juice to the meat and sauce. It was vile. Couldn't manage more than two bites. Even my Dad was gagging. Ended up having toast! Maybe try again if I can convince Dad!).
67. Smooth Branston Pickle -no bits - with a cheese sandwich (ate it, was alright, still not sure if I like it or not, but can eat it).
68. Grilled Rump steak - not dissecting it into little pieces and frying it like normal (really tasty and I like it quite rare. Was a very lean piece of steak. Still very particular and would not be able to do this with a fatty or grisly bit).
69. Season and Shake Cajun Chicken - with egg fried rice and soy sauce veg (I loved this. It was a very strong flavour and the top end of my range. I wouldn't want this every week, but will have it again. Tasty).
70. Sage and Onion Stuffing ( quite nice, but can only eat a very small amount before it gets too strong. Prefer the crispy bits!).
71. Deluxe Hand Cooked Vegetable Crisps seasoned with salt - beetroot, sweet potato, carrot and parsnip (absolutely horrible. Even Dad couldn't stand them.)
72. Hunters Chicken (tasty but had to cut the streaky bacon off as I still can't do fat).
73. Fusili pasta with mincemeat in a pasta tomato sauce (the Goodness range for Kids one from Tescos - still no bits) with soy sauce vegetables (this was nice but it was hard going eating all the pasta. Odd texture, but I will get use to it).
74. Tiger Roll (unpleasant smell)
75. Swirl Bread Roll (Viennese?) with poppy seeds (gorgeous!).
76. Applewood Vintage Chedder (absolutely disgusting, very odd texture and horrible flavour).
77. Butter Basted Roast Chicken (Roast in the Bag from Tesco) - (lovely tasty, moist chicken, hmmm!).
That's all the stuff tried in the last "just under" three months! Not bad! Feeling very proud of myself as that is quite a list!
As it has already been three months, its really not possible to share my thoughts and experiences of each time I tried something. But don't worry there is still more to come so I will try to be better at keeping this diary and recording the tries!
So in order to catch up, here is a breakdown of the food I have tried since treatment with Felix and what I thought of it:
1. Beetroot (yum!)
2. Beetroot salad from Tescos and Morrisons (yum yum!!)
3. Radish (vile never want to try again)
4. Closed cup mushrooms (delicious, I am now obsessed!)
5. Coleslaw (bleurgh)
6. Morrisons Potato Salad (bleurgh)
7. Quiche Lorraine (ok, didn't like the crust as it was too hard)
8. Raw Grated Carrot and raw sweetcorn (nothing special)
9. Raw green, red and yellow peppers (not very impressed and would rather not).
10. Tinned Red Salmon sandwiches homemade (gorgeous have them very often!!)
11.Battered Cod (not very nice, quite chewy - apparently wasn't a good example need to try a different battered Cod).
12. Black, Red and Green seedless Grapes (took a bit of getting use to but quite nice. Favourites are red).
13. Macaroni Cheese from Marks and Spencers (not very nice didn't finish it).
14. Flame Grilled Steak McCoys Crisps (very tasty but flavour gets quite intense after a while).
15. Nectarine (woody, not pleasant)
16. New Potatoes (lovely with a bit of butter melted on them)
17. Cooked sweetcorn (edible but still a challenge)
18. Corn on the Cob (yuck, too sweet and puts teeth on edge)
19. Petit Pois Peas (surprisingly nice, prefer these to normal garden peas which are minging)
20. Peach (prefer the ones with orange flesh, and love the tinned ones. Can't eat too much as flavour gets too sweet, but working on it).
21. Red Plum (nice)
22. Black Plums (gorgeous but gets very sweet, working on it).
23. Clementine (not nice, can't cope with the white pithy stuff).
24. Tinned spaghetti in tomato sauce on toast (nice).
25. Mincemeat in a smooth pasta tomato sauce (Goodness range from Tescos for kids! No bits).
26. Doritos (DISGUSTING)
27. Yoghurt - different kids yoghurt (too sweet and overpowering smell), Activia yoghurts various flavours, Tesco's low fat yoghurts banana, orange, and peach, Goats Yoghurt (vile), Natural Yoghurt, West Country Yoghurt, Ski yoghurt (so far not found any I like. Taking a break from them while I develop my taste buds. Will come back and try again before I decide if I am a yoghurt person or not).
28. Garlic croutons - (5) and cold pasta not sure of flavour (tried at the Harvester - alright).
29. Fried Egg on Gammon (gorgeous)
30. Fried tomato (scrapped out the middle and only ate a bit of the side. Not horrible, not nice. Need to try more).
31. Cheese & Tomato Baguette Pizza (ate half, ok but tomato quite strong flavour).
32. Cheese Feast Pizza (really not great)
33. Strawberries (not bad but can only eat a few at a time and still struggle with the seeds).
34. Barbecue Flavour Chicken (nice).
35. Cathedral City Baked Bites Mini biscuits (gorgeous!!)
36. Tesco Italian Range Beef Lasagne (very nice, quite a lot of pasta).
37. Thinly sliced Pork loin slices - not fatty (delicious).
38. Walkers Deli Crisps Cornish Mature Chedder Flavour (lovely, very tasty).
39. Walkers Deli Crisps Balsamic Vinegar of Modena Flavour (delicious - my new favourite crisps!).
40. Hellmens Mayonaise (need to retry with something else).
41. Tomato Ketchup (have it with a lot of things now - a bit addicted!).
42. Cadburys Chocolate Button Dessert (vile - far too sickly and sweet).
43. Dolmio Pasta Vita Carbonara (really unpleasant - not a good example, will need to try carbonara another way).
44. Multigrain Ryvita (nice - but need to have butter and cheese on it).
45. Seriously Strong Spreadable Cheese (not much taste, and not very nice).
46. Pepperoni Pizza (yum yum)
47. Ham & Mushroom Pizza (my favourite pizza so far).
48. Chicken Fajitas Pizza (horrible)
49. Tinned Mandarins (I quite like these, but can only eat a few segments at a time. Working on it).
50. 1 leaf of Spinach hidden in a cheese roll (ate it but the thought of it caused panic and anxiety to set in so didn't push it. Haven't repeated this yet).
51. Hartley's Orange Jelly no added sugar (really odd texture and very sweet. Ate the whole pot, but not a fan and not bothered about trying again).
52. Uncle Ben's Egg Fried Rice - cook in the microwave pouch (love this, really struggled with rice, but love this).
53. Chicken marinated in soy sauce (really loved this but the salty taste got really strong very quickly which was unfortunate).
54. Vegetables cooked in soy sauce - red, green and yellow peppers, sweetcorn, carrot, diced onion, petit pois peas, mushrooms (love this so much! Have had it a lot. So tasty!).
56. Runner Beans (added to the veg stir fry above - really did not like the beans).
57. Beef Casserole ( disgusting. The meat is horrible and chewy and fatty and bleurgh).
58. Elmlea Double Cream Whipped (very nice with Vanilla Ice Cream and some tinned fruit - Naughty!)
59. Cathedral City Spreadable Cheese (ok but nothing special. Lacks the strong flavour of the normal cheese).
60. Wholemeal toasted teacake and butter (nice nothing special).
61. Southern Fried Wedges (a bit hot but nice)
62. Fish Fingers (ok but prefer something else).
63. Stir Fry x2 - Same rice and veg as before but chicken cooked in chow mein stir fry sauce (a bit sweet but nice. Will have again).
64. Lemon and Brown Sugar basted roast Chicken from Morrisons (bloody beautiful. Definitely have again).
65. Morrisons Cheese & Onion crinkle crisps (one of my new top 5 crisps).
66. Mexican - Fajitas with chicken in El Paso Sauce, peppers, diced onion, tomatoes, shredded lettuce, with sour cream and chive dip wrapped in tortillas (this really went badly as we followed my Mum's recipe of adding lemon and lime juice to the meat and sauce. It was vile. Couldn't manage more than two bites. Even my Dad was gagging. Ended up having toast! Maybe try again if I can convince Dad!).
67. Smooth Branston Pickle -no bits - with a cheese sandwich (ate it, was alright, still not sure if I like it or not, but can eat it).
68. Grilled Rump steak - not dissecting it into little pieces and frying it like normal (really tasty and I like it quite rare. Was a very lean piece of steak. Still very particular and would not be able to do this with a fatty or grisly bit).
69. Season and Shake Cajun Chicken - with egg fried rice and soy sauce veg (I loved this. It was a very strong flavour and the top end of my range. I wouldn't want this every week, but will have it again. Tasty).
70. Sage and Onion Stuffing ( quite nice, but can only eat a very small amount before it gets too strong. Prefer the crispy bits!).
71. Deluxe Hand Cooked Vegetable Crisps seasoned with salt - beetroot, sweet potato, carrot and parsnip (absolutely horrible. Even Dad couldn't stand them.)
72. Hunters Chicken (tasty but had to cut the streaky bacon off as I still can't do fat).
73. Fusili pasta with mincemeat in a pasta tomato sauce (the Goodness range for Kids one from Tescos - still no bits) with soy sauce vegetables (this was nice but it was hard going eating all the pasta. Odd texture, but I will get use to it).
74. Tiger Roll (unpleasant smell)
75. Swirl Bread Roll (Viennese?) with poppy seeds (gorgeous!).
76. Applewood Vintage Chedder (absolutely disgusting, very odd texture and horrible flavour).
77. Butter Basted Roast Chicken (Roast in the Bag from Tesco) - (lovely tasty, moist chicken, hmmm!).
That's all the stuff tried in the last "just under" three months! Not bad! Feeling very proud of myself as that is quite a list!
Tuesday, 21 October 2014
CBT and Felix
Yet again I have been extremely terrible at keeping this blog up to date. Huge apologises! As I said in a previous post I had started CBT in the hope it would resolve my SED issues. Well I continued with it for a while and had limited success. I began to understand why my brain reacted the way it did to new foods and more importantly began to understand the sheer mountain I had to climb in order to beat this disorder.
I successfully managed to drink an entire small bottle of Tropicana orange juice during a session even though I found it extremely vile! But beyond that my progress was almost not existent. I found the few techniques I was given were not really suitable for food. For example one was to sit there with the food and wait until the anxiety passed and then try the food. This is based on the idea that it takes between a hour to a hour and a half for anxiety to rise and then dissipate. Now if this was sitting with a spider in a tank (which I would not do!) or something else that didn't have a time issue then it probably does work. The problem with food is if its hot it gets cold and is inedible, and it its cold it gets too warm, melts, goes off etc. So I was becoming increasingly frustrated that I wasn't making any progress and the anxiety would get so bad I would be lucky if I tried one new food a month! Added to this was the sudden announcement that I only had a set number of CBT sessions. I was over half way through my allotted sessions when I discovered this and it was acutely obvious that I was not going to make any significant progress before the sessions ran out.
Thankfully I had also joined a Facebook forum about SED and discovered a wonderful magical guy called Felix Economakis who ran a clinic in London and was a qualified hypnotherapist. He seemed to have dedicated a lot of his time studying and treating people with SED. More importantly the forum was full of people who had gone to see Felix and had been cured of their SED issues which allowed them to start the long fight to recovery. He had something like a 97% success rate and was very open about the times when it hadn't worked. He also filmed a lot of his sessions and they could be watched on You Tube. After months of reading other people's success stories and hearing the foods they were suddenly able to eat, I made the decision I had to see Felix.
I managed to get the money together for an appointment (with a little bit of help from Felix himself) and booked my appointment!! I was so excited! But I also wanted to make sure I had realistic expectations. He did not have a 100% success rate so I had to be prepared that it might not work. I also knew from the forum that some people found after a few weeks their eating issues were completely gone, while for others it took longer and required more effort. I spoke to a few of the forum members who had seen Felix recently and who had varying degrees of success, so I was as well informed as I could be. I decided to go in to the session with an open mind, and a hopeful heart.
Dad came with me to my appointment and it was his reaction to what happened which really proved to me what a dramatic change had taken place. The appointment was suppose to be 2 hours long but we had got stuck on the motorway for an hour when they closed the motorway to clear a fatal accident. So my appointment was condensed and I was concerned this would have a negative impact. I really didn't need to worry. There are three stages to the treatment which include getting you to agree to change and the final stage is the hypnosis.
I really didn't think the hypnosis had worked, but as days passed I remembered less of what had been said to me during the hypnosis and had to rely on Dad to fill in the blanks so I must have gone under! Thankfully my subconscious remembered! When I was "woken up" Felix got me to try some of the foods I had taken with me. He asks you to bring 5-6 foods to try at the end of the session that you would like to eat but couldn't. The first thing he handed me was a carton of Ribena. I took it off him - no hand shaking, no shallow breathing, feeling sick or anything - and stuck the straw in and began to drink. The shocked look on my Dad's face said it all! He had prepared himself for me to start crying and gagging etc. But nothing happened. I just drank the juice, and found it ok but a bit sweet.Then I tried a red grape, a strawberry, a piece of pineapple (which was disgusting but when Felix tried a piece he said it was vile and clearly had turned in the hot car), melon and a cherry Activia yoghurt. I was so incredibly shocked!!
After the session we went back to the car and I continued to try stuff including raw grated carrot, beetroot (yum!) and a leafy bit of lettuce that made me gag because it was so bitter. On the way home we stopped off at a Burger King to have some dinner. I still ordered my usual plain burger and fries but this time I asked for a ketchup sachet. My mind was obsessed with trying some on my fries! Now I am the girl that if there was a spot of ketchup on her burger she would be unable to eat the whole thing, and any fries with it on, would not be eaten and neither would the fries touching the fries with ketchup on! Suddenly I was putting a bit on every chip, and by the end of the meal had squirted some inside my "plain" burger! It was lovely!! My Dad just sat opposite me watching, and only commented after I had finished that he couldn't believe the difference!
It was an awesome day, but in the days that followed I was concerned it hadn't worked properly or would wear off. With a bit of encouragement from Felix and my Dad I stopped trying to test it, and just accepted it had changed and got on with it. It turns out I was not going to be one of those who completely changed in 2 -3 weeks after seeing Felix. Instead I was going to have a slower recovery, but still a recovery. As days and weeks passed I was trying at least 2 new things a day, which was a huge improvement on my CBT "one new thing a month if I was lucky"! I didn't always like what I tried, but I was trying it!
Felix had "cured" me of my anxiety and SED issues and it was now time for the hard work. The road to recovery. My taste buds were completely under developed so I needed to give them time to get use to new flavours (and still doing so). I had to get use to new textures in my mouth, smells etc. I also had to work out what I liked and didn't like! Food had suddenly become exciting!
I successfully managed to drink an entire small bottle of Tropicana orange juice during a session even though I found it extremely vile! But beyond that my progress was almost not existent. I found the few techniques I was given were not really suitable for food. For example one was to sit there with the food and wait until the anxiety passed and then try the food. This is based on the idea that it takes between a hour to a hour and a half for anxiety to rise and then dissipate. Now if this was sitting with a spider in a tank (which I would not do!) or something else that didn't have a time issue then it probably does work. The problem with food is if its hot it gets cold and is inedible, and it its cold it gets too warm, melts, goes off etc. So I was becoming increasingly frustrated that I wasn't making any progress and the anxiety would get so bad I would be lucky if I tried one new food a month! Added to this was the sudden announcement that I only had a set number of CBT sessions. I was over half way through my allotted sessions when I discovered this and it was acutely obvious that I was not going to make any significant progress before the sessions ran out.
Thankfully I had also joined a Facebook forum about SED and discovered a wonderful magical guy called Felix Economakis who ran a clinic in London and was a qualified hypnotherapist. He seemed to have dedicated a lot of his time studying and treating people with SED. More importantly the forum was full of people who had gone to see Felix and had been cured of their SED issues which allowed them to start the long fight to recovery. He had something like a 97% success rate and was very open about the times when it hadn't worked. He also filmed a lot of his sessions and they could be watched on You Tube. After months of reading other people's success stories and hearing the foods they were suddenly able to eat, I made the decision I had to see Felix.
I managed to get the money together for an appointment (with a little bit of help from Felix himself) and booked my appointment!! I was so excited! But I also wanted to make sure I had realistic expectations. He did not have a 100% success rate so I had to be prepared that it might not work. I also knew from the forum that some people found after a few weeks their eating issues were completely gone, while for others it took longer and required more effort. I spoke to a few of the forum members who had seen Felix recently and who had varying degrees of success, so I was as well informed as I could be. I decided to go in to the session with an open mind, and a hopeful heart.
Dad came with me to my appointment and it was his reaction to what happened which really proved to me what a dramatic change had taken place. The appointment was suppose to be 2 hours long but we had got stuck on the motorway for an hour when they closed the motorway to clear a fatal accident. So my appointment was condensed and I was concerned this would have a negative impact. I really didn't need to worry. There are three stages to the treatment which include getting you to agree to change and the final stage is the hypnosis.
I really didn't think the hypnosis had worked, but as days passed I remembered less of what had been said to me during the hypnosis and had to rely on Dad to fill in the blanks so I must have gone under! Thankfully my subconscious remembered! When I was "woken up" Felix got me to try some of the foods I had taken with me. He asks you to bring 5-6 foods to try at the end of the session that you would like to eat but couldn't. The first thing he handed me was a carton of Ribena. I took it off him - no hand shaking, no shallow breathing, feeling sick or anything - and stuck the straw in and began to drink. The shocked look on my Dad's face said it all! He had prepared himself for me to start crying and gagging etc. But nothing happened. I just drank the juice, and found it ok but a bit sweet.Then I tried a red grape, a strawberry, a piece of pineapple (which was disgusting but when Felix tried a piece he said it was vile and clearly had turned in the hot car), melon and a cherry Activia yoghurt. I was so incredibly shocked!!
After the session we went back to the car and I continued to try stuff including raw grated carrot, beetroot (yum!) and a leafy bit of lettuce that made me gag because it was so bitter. On the way home we stopped off at a Burger King to have some dinner. I still ordered my usual plain burger and fries but this time I asked for a ketchup sachet. My mind was obsessed with trying some on my fries! Now I am the girl that if there was a spot of ketchup on her burger she would be unable to eat the whole thing, and any fries with it on, would not be eaten and neither would the fries touching the fries with ketchup on! Suddenly I was putting a bit on every chip, and by the end of the meal had squirted some inside my "plain" burger! It was lovely!! My Dad just sat opposite me watching, and only commented after I had finished that he couldn't believe the difference!
It was an awesome day, but in the days that followed I was concerned it hadn't worked properly or would wear off. With a bit of encouragement from Felix and my Dad I stopped trying to test it, and just accepted it had changed and got on with it. It turns out I was not going to be one of those who completely changed in 2 -3 weeks after seeing Felix. Instead I was going to have a slower recovery, but still a recovery. As days and weeks passed I was trying at least 2 new things a day, which was a huge improvement on my CBT "one new thing a month if I was lucky"! I didn't always like what I tried, but I was trying it!
Felix had "cured" me of my anxiety and SED issues and it was now time for the hard work. The road to recovery. My taste buds were completely under developed so I needed to give them time to get use to new flavours (and still doing so). I had to get use to new textures in my mouth, smells etc. I also had to work out what I liked and didn't like! Food had suddenly become exciting!
Wednesday, 21 May 2014
CBT Update
Sorry I haven't updated my diary for a while. As usual life got in the way. I will try to be better from now on! In one of my last posts I mentioned I was waiting to be accepted into a CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) programme. I was accepted and after waiting a couple of months for an appointment to become available I am now delighted to say I have started CBT! I have only had a couple of sessions so far but the results are already encouraging. I have had a few outright successes and a few successes which I still felt disappointed about (more on that soon). It is still early days but I am hopeful I may have finally found a solution for my SED!
CBT is an interesting treatment and incorporates various approaches and treatments. For my situation I am trying a process called graduated exposure therapy. The theory is that you create a hierarchy of situations that cause the anxiety and number them 1 - 10 in order of how anxious they make you, with 1 being the least and 10 being the most. In my situation my hierarchy is made up of different foods and numerous social situations which involve food. Then through developing various coping mechanisms you start working your way up through the hierarchy starting at 1. According to the theory of anxiety, every time you expose yourself to an anxiety inducing situation, the anxiety should disappear a little bit quicker each time you do it, until it doesn't happen at all. So at first anxiety levels will be sky high, but then the second, third, and fourth times it will disappear quicker and eventually will not happen at all. Then as you conquer each level of your hierarchy, it will be easier to tackle those foods which cause more anxiety. Sounds simple, but it is extremely hard and very much a battle.
The reason people like me get like this is (apparently) because we have learnt this behaviour over time and our brains now believe this is "normal" behaviour. So my brain reacts to new and different foods in a negative way because it has learnt this is the "correct" reaction to this situation. It has become so bad that eventhough there is a thought process involved I am no longer aware of it because my reaction is so instant. It has become a reflex. In the same way you would jump because there was a sudden loud noise, I panic when confronted with new or different foods. So a large part of CBT is breaking those thought processes down and examining and challenging the thoughts and feelings they produce. I also have to look at my mood and physical behaviour and be aware of how these can also affect my thoughts and feelings. In short I am having to unlearn the bad reaction and teach my brain the correct way to approach new foods by questioning the thoughts and feelings which trigger the anxiety.
I am actually finding this part fascinating as logically I know a lot of my thoughts are ridiculous and not grounded in any logic but all the same its hard shifting the impact they have on me. I also have to keep giving myself a "good talking to" and encouraging myself to stick with it, I can do this, keep focussed, keep calm etc while also acknowledging and challenging the thoughts I am having; why do you think that, what's the worse that can happen, does it matter if you don't eat it, spit it out, gag, throw up, etc etc. I know that its going to get harder and harder before it gets better, but I am also trying to hold onto the positive thought that it could "cure" me, if only I can keep pushing myself!
It has also been interesting learning about avoidance and why we choose to do it. I have avoided food situations so much that my brain learnt that avoidance and panic is the right reaction to that situation. One of the main reasons for this is the positive feeling which follows avoiding an anxiety filled situation. The sense of relief is a wonderful feeling and so fuels the negative behaviour of avoidance; face the anxiety and the anxiety rises or avoid and feel great! No wonder my brain learnt to avoid! Now I have to fight this avoidance culture in my life. I have to acknowledge the situations when anxiety causes me to feel like this and acknowledge I want to avoid, run away from trying that particular food. Once I have acknowledged it, I then have to face the anxiety and refuse to let myself wimp out and avoid the food. This is sooooooo hard and takes so much energy. I am, however, very determined to do this. I am literally attempting to reprogram a part of my brain. Wish me luck!
CBT is an interesting treatment and incorporates various approaches and treatments. For my situation I am trying a process called graduated exposure therapy. The theory is that you create a hierarchy of situations that cause the anxiety and number them 1 - 10 in order of how anxious they make you, with 1 being the least and 10 being the most. In my situation my hierarchy is made up of different foods and numerous social situations which involve food. Then through developing various coping mechanisms you start working your way up through the hierarchy starting at 1. According to the theory of anxiety, every time you expose yourself to an anxiety inducing situation, the anxiety should disappear a little bit quicker each time you do it, until it doesn't happen at all. So at first anxiety levels will be sky high, but then the second, third, and fourth times it will disappear quicker and eventually will not happen at all. Then as you conquer each level of your hierarchy, it will be easier to tackle those foods which cause more anxiety. Sounds simple, but it is extremely hard and very much a battle.
The reason people like me get like this is (apparently) because we have learnt this behaviour over time and our brains now believe this is "normal" behaviour. So my brain reacts to new and different foods in a negative way because it has learnt this is the "correct" reaction to this situation. It has become so bad that eventhough there is a thought process involved I am no longer aware of it because my reaction is so instant. It has become a reflex. In the same way you would jump because there was a sudden loud noise, I panic when confronted with new or different foods. So a large part of CBT is breaking those thought processes down and examining and challenging the thoughts and feelings they produce. I also have to look at my mood and physical behaviour and be aware of how these can also affect my thoughts and feelings. In short I am having to unlearn the bad reaction and teach my brain the correct way to approach new foods by questioning the thoughts and feelings which trigger the anxiety.
I am actually finding this part fascinating as logically I know a lot of my thoughts are ridiculous and not grounded in any logic but all the same its hard shifting the impact they have on me. I also have to keep giving myself a "good talking to" and encouraging myself to stick with it, I can do this, keep focussed, keep calm etc while also acknowledging and challenging the thoughts I am having; why do you think that, what's the worse that can happen, does it matter if you don't eat it, spit it out, gag, throw up, etc etc. I know that its going to get harder and harder before it gets better, but I am also trying to hold onto the positive thought that it could "cure" me, if only I can keep pushing myself!
It has also been interesting learning about avoidance and why we choose to do it. I have avoided food situations so much that my brain learnt that avoidance and panic is the right reaction to that situation. One of the main reasons for this is the positive feeling which follows avoiding an anxiety filled situation. The sense of relief is a wonderful feeling and so fuels the negative behaviour of avoidance; face the anxiety and the anxiety rises or avoid and feel great! No wonder my brain learnt to avoid! Now I have to fight this avoidance culture in my life. I have to acknowledge the situations when anxiety causes me to feel like this and acknowledge I want to avoid, run away from trying that particular food. Once I have acknowledged it, I then have to face the anxiety and refuse to let myself wimp out and avoid the food. This is sooooooo hard and takes so much energy. I am, however, very determined to do this. I am literally attempting to reprogram a part of my brain. Wish me luck!
Saturday, 22 February 2014
Food, Food, Everywhere!
I recently saw a post on a SED forum from a woman who worked with youngsters at a community centre. She had recently found out one of the kids (13 year old girl) had been diagnosed with SED. She was on the forum trying to find out more information and to try and understand what SED is. Especially difficult for someone who admitted they would eat and try anything. I was very impressed she was going to such lengths and genuinely seemed to want to try to help the young girl overcome her issues.Her biggest concern was that the girl seemed to be a bit of a loaner and preferred to sit and draw instead of joining in with group activities.The main activity seems to have been cooking and baking which understandably the girl with SED would not want to be involved with. So the woman was asking for help on how to get the young girl more involved, and maybe even get her cooking.
After leaving my own thoughts on the matter (basically move away from the cooking and find other group activities to do that don't involve food, perhaps arts and crafts and get the young girl to join in with that without the pressure of food), it got me thinking about how hard socialising is when you have SED. Like a lot of sufferers I have had SED since I was a child, and it did cause a lot of problems, especially making and maintaining friendships. It still does! Unless you have an issue with food, you don't realise just how much food is involved with nearly every social activity. During childhood sleepovers were a nightmare with what to have for dinner and breakfast ( let's order in pizza - eww!), watching a film is awkward (I got popcorn, salted and buttered - or whatever flavours they come in- as everyone likes popcorn! Er, no!), girly nights less enjoyable (I have nachos! Or I have Doritos and dips because everyone loves them, right! Nope!), and even children's parties were boring as I had to eat before I went as it was unlikely I would like anything there! Kids can also be cruel and pick up on any weakness, so being the fussy eater or freaky eater was not helpful when making friends. You were also the child, parents hoped their children would never ask could stay for dinner unexpectedly!
As I got older it remained a problem. At uni I could never join in the money saving joint meals as it nearly always involved some kind of pasta thing, or baked thing or other "foreign" food. I am also so particular about how something is prepared that even if the menu was something I would eat it was still very stressful for me. Likewise, "lets get a takeaway" often excluded me unless it was from the chippy or McDonalds. Chinese, Thai, curry, pizza, kebab etc were all out for me. Birthday and other celebrations with a meal out were another nightmare, as most restaurants I couldn't eat in. Sometimes friends would choose to have their birthday meal at a restaurant where they knew I could eat. On one hand this was lovely and thoughtful and clearly showed they thought a lot of me and wanted me at their birthday/celebration. However it also made me feel terrible as somebody else's birthday ended up being about me, and not them, which is totally wrong. Their favourite food could have been Chinese but they would choose a Harvester for my sake. I felt so terribly guilty. Plus it was very hurtful when they suddenly stopped inviting me, although I understood it, it was still upsetting.
Even now its hard. For parties, I have to eat before I go just in case there is nothing there. If I am lucky there will be some bread rolls and a cheese board so I can make myself a sandwich, or if not hopefully crisps, although there have been many parties where there was nothing I could eat or the food was contaminated by tomatoes or onions etc, and I ended up flipping starving my the time I got home! Meals out, if I know the restaurant and I can eat there I go, if not I make an excuse. Dinner parties often I will make an excuse and arrive after dinner. Depending on who is there and whether the host knows about my SED I might get through it with a separate meal made for me, although if there will also be people I don't know, I find this very embarrassing. Also friends do get very fed up with having to cook for a group of people and then cook something separate for me. Especially as they have to be so particular about ingredients and preparation. And I understand, its a complete pain in the backside! Its not like providing a vegetarian option for a veggie, its so much more specific. However, as much as I understand, it is hurtful when the dinner invitations suddenly disappear. But who could blame them?
Going to cinema and finding munchies I will eat, popping out for coffee and cake, lets meet up for lunch, private view at the museum with buffet and drinks, fundraising evening with a meal, awards ceremony with a set dinner, why don't you stay for dinner, etc etc. Don't even get me started on going on a date! There are so many problematic occasions!! I have to plan my day around my food which even my friends don't understand. Its because it is so hard finding something I will eat when I am out and about. If its a friend who knows about my SED I will ask outright if they have something I can have for lunch or whether I should eat before I arrive. It is odd, but I hope they understand its because food is such a difficult subject for me. Even when people know I have SED I can find it awkward eating around them, particularly if they have tried so hard to fit in with all my issues and I still can't eat it. Sometimes my brain just won't allow it, and that is very hard to explain to people.
Most of all its hard because the last thing you want to do it draw attention to it, and yet so often you become the friend with the eating problems. It dictates what you can and can't do, and sadly what you do and do not get invited too. Friends get fed up with making allowances for you, or they suddenly seem to forget you have eating problems and expect you to eat a salad or something. Or worse of all they start commenting on what you eat, and how unhealthy it is and start making suggestions on what you should be eating. Yeah, thanks that helps! My SED does not make me, me. There is so much more to me, yet I can totally understand why that 13 year old girl kept herself to herself. Its easier than coming up with an excuse for why you are not eating or having to explain what SED is. How do you explain a fear of food? How can you explain that to someone and not expect to see them smirk and look at you with an incredulous look on their face? "Really, your scared of food? Oh no, here comes some broccoli, run"! Or some other unfunny joke.
The silly thing is that actually when a SED sufferer feels more confident and accepting of their situation the more likely they are to try new foods and seek out professional help with their condition. Being happy and positive can have a significant impact on the success rate of trying new foods, and maintaining a good diet. I know from personal experience that when I am unhappy or stressed my eating goes out the window. I lose my limited appetite completely and live on sandwiches and snacks. So really if the community centre woman does really want to help the young girl, the best thing she can do is to help her accept herself and become more confident and to encourage her peers to accept peoples differences as we are not all the same, and with a bit of luck the girl will become more confident and hopefully will start to expand her safe foods. At the very least she might try her hand at a bit of baking!
After leaving my own thoughts on the matter (basically move away from the cooking and find other group activities to do that don't involve food, perhaps arts and crafts and get the young girl to join in with that without the pressure of food), it got me thinking about how hard socialising is when you have SED. Like a lot of sufferers I have had SED since I was a child, and it did cause a lot of problems, especially making and maintaining friendships. It still does! Unless you have an issue with food, you don't realise just how much food is involved with nearly every social activity. During childhood sleepovers were a nightmare with what to have for dinner and breakfast ( let's order in pizza - eww!), watching a film is awkward (I got popcorn, salted and buttered - or whatever flavours they come in- as everyone likes popcorn! Er, no!), girly nights less enjoyable (I have nachos! Or I have Doritos and dips because everyone loves them, right! Nope!), and even children's parties were boring as I had to eat before I went as it was unlikely I would like anything there! Kids can also be cruel and pick up on any weakness, so being the fussy eater or freaky eater was not helpful when making friends. You were also the child, parents hoped their children would never ask could stay for dinner unexpectedly!
As I got older it remained a problem. At uni I could never join in the money saving joint meals as it nearly always involved some kind of pasta thing, or baked thing or other "foreign" food. I am also so particular about how something is prepared that even if the menu was something I would eat it was still very stressful for me. Likewise, "lets get a takeaway" often excluded me unless it was from the chippy or McDonalds. Chinese, Thai, curry, pizza, kebab etc were all out for me. Birthday and other celebrations with a meal out were another nightmare, as most restaurants I couldn't eat in. Sometimes friends would choose to have their birthday meal at a restaurant where they knew I could eat. On one hand this was lovely and thoughtful and clearly showed they thought a lot of me and wanted me at their birthday/celebration. However it also made me feel terrible as somebody else's birthday ended up being about me, and not them, which is totally wrong. Their favourite food could have been Chinese but they would choose a Harvester for my sake. I felt so terribly guilty. Plus it was very hurtful when they suddenly stopped inviting me, although I understood it, it was still upsetting.
Even now its hard. For parties, I have to eat before I go just in case there is nothing there. If I am lucky there will be some bread rolls and a cheese board so I can make myself a sandwich, or if not hopefully crisps, although there have been many parties where there was nothing I could eat or the food was contaminated by tomatoes or onions etc, and I ended up flipping starving my the time I got home! Meals out, if I know the restaurant and I can eat there I go, if not I make an excuse. Dinner parties often I will make an excuse and arrive after dinner. Depending on who is there and whether the host knows about my SED I might get through it with a separate meal made for me, although if there will also be people I don't know, I find this very embarrassing. Also friends do get very fed up with having to cook for a group of people and then cook something separate for me. Especially as they have to be so particular about ingredients and preparation. And I understand, its a complete pain in the backside! Its not like providing a vegetarian option for a veggie, its so much more specific. However, as much as I understand, it is hurtful when the dinner invitations suddenly disappear. But who could blame them?
Going to cinema and finding munchies I will eat, popping out for coffee and cake, lets meet up for lunch, private view at the museum with buffet and drinks, fundraising evening with a meal, awards ceremony with a set dinner, why don't you stay for dinner, etc etc. Don't even get me started on going on a date! There are so many problematic occasions!! I have to plan my day around my food which even my friends don't understand. Its because it is so hard finding something I will eat when I am out and about. If its a friend who knows about my SED I will ask outright if they have something I can have for lunch or whether I should eat before I arrive. It is odd, but I hope they understand its because food is such a difficult subject for me. Even when people know I have SED I can find it awkward eating around them, particularly if they have tried so hard to fit in with all my issues and I still can't eat it. Sometimes my brain just won't allow it, and that is very hard to explain to people.
Most of all its hard because the last thing you want to do it draw attention to it, and yet so often you become the friend with the eating problems. It dictates what you can and can't do, and sadly what you do and do not get invited too. Friends get fed up with making allowances for you, or they suddenly seem to forget you have eating problems and expect you to eat a salad or something. Or worse of all they start commenting on what you eat, and how unhealthy it is and start making suggestions on what you should be eating. Yeah, thanks that helps! My SED does not make me, me. There is so much more to me, yet I can totally understand why that 13 year old girl kept herself to herself. Its easier than coming up with an excuse for why you are not eating or having to explain what SED is. How do you explain a fear of food? How can you explain that to someone and not expect to see them smirk and look at you with an incredulous look on their face? "Really, your scared of food? Oh no, here comes some broccoli, run"! Or some other unfunny joke.
The silly thing is that actually when a SED sufferer feels more confident and accepting of their situation the more likely they are to try new foods and seek out professional help with their condition. Being happy and positive can have a significant impact on the success rate of trying new foods, and maintaining a good diet. I know from personal experience that when I am unhappy or stressed my eating goes out the window. I lose my limited appetite completely and live on sandwiches and snacks. So really if the community centre woman does really want to help the young girl, the best thing she can do is to help her accept herself and become more confident and to encourage her peers to accept peoples differences as we are not all the same, and with a bit of luck the girl will become more confident and hopefully will start to expand her safe foods. At the very least she might try her hand at a bit of baking!
Monday, 20 January 2014
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy or CBT
Finally getting somewhere with the new treatment offered by my GP. I have a telephone consultation with a Cognitive Behaviour Therapist next week. From the look of the information they sent me it is to go through a questionnaire to make sure I am not about to hurt myself or someone else and to see whether they will be able to help me and I suppose assign me a therapist?
They have sent me the questions in advance and to be honest they don't really apply to me. For example they ask if my condition stops me from living a normal life and socialising and lists eating food and going out for meals as an example of "normal". Well considering my condition is a problem with food, yes it does affect it but the follow up questions they ask is, is it because I have problems with interacting with people, feeling depressed etc. Thats not the reason my condition affects what I eat, its because my condition IS that I have a problem with food!!! Grrr!
I know they are only standard questions and they need some way of assessing new cases, but why couldn't they just have a face to face appointment and talk to me! That way they would find out about my "condition". Also some of the questions do affect me but not because of my eating. For example one of the questions is do you have problems sleeping or sleep at different times of the day? Well yes, but that is not because of my condition. Its to do with other issues such as stress with work, bad habits and being an owl instead of a lark. Silly questions!
I just hope these silly questions don't prevent me from getting help. I really want to see if CBT can help me break my problems with food.
They have sent me the questions in advance and to be honest they don't really apply to me. For example they ask if my condition stops me from living a normal life and socialising and lists eating food and going out for meals as an example of "normal". Well considering my condition is a problem with food, yes it does affect it but the follow up questions they ask is, is it because I have problems with interacting with people, feeling depressed etc. Thats not the reason my condition affects what I eat, its because my condition IS that I have a problem with food!!! Grrr!
I know they are only standard questions and they need some way of assessing new cases, but why couldn't they just have a face to face appointment and talk to me! That way they would find out about my "condition". Also some of the questions do affect me but not because of my eating. For example one of the questions is do you have problems sleeping or sleep at different times of the day? Well yes, but that is not because of my condition. Its to do with other issues such as stress with work, bad habits and being an owl instead of a lark. Silly questions!
I just hope these silly questions don't prevent me from getting help. I really want to see if CBT can help me break my problems with food.
Friday, 17 January 2014
Beetroot and a Roast Beef Sandwich
Yesterday I successfully tried two new foods or combination of foods; beetroot and a beef sandwich. I should point out that I don't mean together!
At lunch time Dad decided he was going to use some of the Roast Beef from the previous nights dinner to make a sandwich. He asked me what I wanted expecting something like "cheese sandwich please". Instead I surprised him (and to be honest, myself) by saying I will have a beef sandwich too, as long as I can check the meat first.
Unlike a lot of people with SED / Neo Food Phobia I do eat some meat. A lot of people with this condition find the texture of meat too difficult to deal with and also have problems with gristle and fat etc. I am lucky that I don't have a problem with the texture of meat, however I do have a major issue with gristle and fat. If I get even a small piece of fat or gristle in my mouth I will feel very sick and turn myself off of my food. I would not be able to continue eating either. For this reason I have to dissect all my meat as Dad puts it. For example, I can eat a slice of ham, but only if I can cut off all the rind and fat first. I enjoy rump, sirloin or ribeye steak, as long as I can cut out fat, gristle, veining bits of fat which chef's call "marbling" and basically everything that isn't pure meat. It creates a lot of waste (and expense when steak, so don't have it that often) but at least it gives me a hit of red meat. The problem is because of this need to dissect the meat I cannot have meat in a sandwich for fear of getting fat and gristle in my mouth. Even bacon sandwiches I have to dissect the bacon first. This means I also cannot order meat filled sandwiches when out as I know they won't be to my standard. For this reason I have never had a beef sandwich even though I really like roast beef.
But yesterday I decided to give it a try. I did go through each slice of meat and cut out the odd bit of fat first but luckily the beef was very lean. To my surprise at first I liked the sandwich. It was a bit like a cold hamburger with butter! I didn't have the usual panic attack, shaking or feeling sick when trying food. I did not struggle to put it in my mouth or shut it or chew and swallow it. However after the first sandwich I started to feel sick. This was made worse by some of the meat not breaking apart when I bit into the sandwich causing a larger lump of meat to come out and just a bit eww! I decided to quit while I was ahead and leave the rest of the sandwich. But I was still impressed with what I achieved and so was my Dad.
In the evening Dad was having salad with his beef (using up the joint of meat!) and had some beetroot in his salad cut into small cubes. He knew beetroot was one of the foods that I am curious about. He asked me if I wanted to try some. At first I felt reluctant but then said, ok then. He passed over the fork with a small cube of beetroot on, about 1cm cubed. I took a deep breath, grabbed the fork, put the beetroot in my mouth and shut my mouth. At this point I noticed panic levels starting to rise. I took another breath and started to chew. Instantly I was surprised by the taste. I did not expect it to be as sweet. There was also a vinegar taste. But behind all this was a different taste or smell. It seemed to go up my nose from inside my mouth. I got this sudden smell of vegetables which is one smell which makes me gag. I could feel the gagging approaching so tried to swallow the chewed beetroot. It wasn't instant but I managed to do it. I was not very keen to have another piece, but I was proud of my achievement. Another food tasted. Dad was impressed and commented that my ability to try foods seems to be getting better. I don't know why. I am not doing anything differently.
I read online that you have to try a new food something like 12 times before you can accurately decided whether you like it or not. Its got something to do with educating your brain and getting your taste buds use to the taste or something. I am not sure if this is true or just rubbish on the web. However I do plan to try beetroot again.
At lunch time Dad decided he was going to use some of the Roast Beef from the previous nights dinner to make a sandwich. He asked me what I wanted expecting something like "cheese sandwich please". Instead I surprised him (and to be honest, myself) by saying I will have a beef sandwich too, as long as I can check the meat first.
Unlike a lot of people with SED / Neo Food Phobia I do eat some meat. A lot of people with this condition find the texture of meat too difficult to deal with and also have problems with gristle and fat etc. I am lucky that I don't have a problem with the texture of meat, however I do have a major issue with gristle and fat. If I get even a small piece of fat or gristle in my mouth I will feel very sick and turn myself off of my food. I would not be able to continue eating either. For this reason I have to dissect all my meat as Dad puts it. For example, I can eat a slice of ham, but only if I can cut off all the rind and fat first. I enjoy rump, sirloin or ribeye steak, as long as I can cut out fat, gristle, veining bits of fat which chef's call "marbling" and basically everything that isn't pure meat. It creates a lot of waste (and expense when steak, so don't have it that often) but at least it gives me a hit of red meat. The problem is because of this need to dissect the meat I cannot have meat in a sandwich for fear of getting fat and gristle in my mouth. Even bacon sandwiches I have to dissect the bacon first. This means I also cannot order meat filled sandwiches when out as I know they won't be to my standard. For this reason I have never had a beef sandwich even though I really like roast beef.
But yesterday I decided to give it a try. I did go through each slice of meat and cut out the odd bit of fat first but luckily the beef was very lean. To my surprise at first I liked the sandwich. It was a bit like a cold hamburger with butter! I didn't have the usual panic attack, shaking or feeling sick when trying food. I did not struggle to put it in my mouth or shut it or chew and swallow it. However after the first sandwich I started to feel sick. This was made worse by some of the meat not breaking apart when I bit into the sandwich causing a larger lump of meat to come out and just a bit eww! I decided to quit while I was ahead and leave the rest of the sandwich. But I was still impressed with what I achieved and so was my Dad.
In the evening Dad was having salad with his beef (using up the joint of meat!) and had some beetroot in his salad cut into small cubes. He knew beetroot was one of the foods that I am curious about. He asked me if I wanted to try some. At first I felt reluctant but then said, ok then. He passed over the fork with a small cube of beetroot on, about 1cm cubed. I took a deep breath, grabbed the fork, put the beetroot in my mouth and shut my mouth. At this point I noticed panic levels starting to rise. I took another breath and started to chew. Instantly I was surprised by the taste. I did not expect it to be as sweet. There was also a vinegar taste. But behind all this was a different taste or smell. It seemed to go up my nose from inside my mouth. I got this sudden smell of vegetables which is one smell which makes me gag. I could feel the gagging approaching so tried to swallow the chewed beetroot. It wasn't instant but I managed to do it. I was not very keen to have another piece, but I was proud of my achievement. Another food tasted. Dad was impressed and commented that my ability to try foods seems to be getting better. I don't know why. I am not doing anything differently.
I read online that you have to try a new food something like 12 times before you can accurately decided whether you like it or not. Its got something to do with educating your brain and getting your taste buds use to the taste or something. I am not sure if this is true or just rubbish on the web. However I do plan to try beetroot again.
Monday, 9 December 2013
Thinking about food.........
One of the side effects of living with this condition is that you never really have an appetite. You get hungry and you eat. But you don't look forward to eating. If I didn't have to eat, I wouldn't. I am not the sort of person who gets excited about food. Actually that's not true. Freshly cooked crusty bread with butter on and a nice chunk of chedder cheese is something I do enjoy and as far as possible I get excited about eating it. But that's about it. Sometimes I get a craving for chip shop chips, or a bar of Dairy Milk chocolate or some crinkle cut crisps (ready salted), but I don't "enjoy" food in the same way people who don't have this condition do.
But I do think about food sometimes and in recent months this has increased considerably. I think about food that I don't eat and wonder what it tastes like. There is a curiosity which hasn't been there before. Its also seems to be strange food with (apparently) very strong tastes. Many of which are foods you either love or hate. When I started eating Heinz cream of tomato soup and fried button mushrooms (not together as a meal just new foods) friends and family were amazed as these were strong flavours. My Dad also constantly reminds me if I can drink Lager (Budweiser) then I should be able to eat anything as I clearly have no taste buds! Cheek!
So what do I think about? I think about beetroot. I am fascinated by the colour and firm yet soft texture. I wonder what "Beetroot" tastes like. I also think about red peppers, radishes (I know weird right!), sweetcorn and fleshy fresh fruit like water melon or similar. I never think about green vegetables. The very thought of greens makes me feel sick and I feel a tightening of my chest.
I wonder what pasta and rice tastes like. Is pasta slimey because it looks slimey and when a piece has fallen out of the saucepan into the sink when draining it feels slimey when I pick it up to chunk in the bin (When I was an undergraduate I shared with other students so pasta was one of their stable foods!). How can rice sometimes be sticky and sometimes fluffy? What does lasagne taste like? It looks meaty and filling and tasty. Is it? How strong is the tomato sauce? Is it "spicey" or "herby"?
I think about stir-fry. Are the vegetables crunchy? What does the sauce taste like? Is it hot? Does soy sauce taste salty, sweet or sour? I think about how grown up it would feel to have stir-fry and rice for dinner. And how healthy that would be.
In the summer I think about quiche. I like cheese so would I like quiche? I think about having it for dinner on a hot summers day with boiled new potatoes and a salad with beetroot. I don't eat any of these things, but I remember my Mum use to eat this sort of thing a lot in the summer because it was cool and refreshing, sometimes swapping quiche for slices of ham or a piece of chicken. I do eat chicken and certain types of ham. I wonder if I would ever be able to eat this sort of thing. Considering raw tomatoes make me physically sick, makes my skin turn bright red and itchy and gives me an upset stomach the salad might be an issue! The smell of cucumber also makes me want to gag.
I think about Chinese food and the different little cartons that come with a take-away. When friends or family have it (while I have something from the chippie) I wonder what the strong food smells are coming from. The sauce? The meat? I wonder about the tastes. I like the idea of ordering a "Chinese" with everyone else. I think about pizza and whether I could cope with the tomato base given my allergy? I like bread and cheese, and I also like ham and mushrooms so could I eat a pizza? Would it be moreish like cheese on toast? How cool would it be to go to Pizza Hut or Pizza Express and order like everyone else or to order a take-away like "normal" people.
I wonder about yoghurt. Does it taste as bad as some of them smell? Are they very sweet? Are some of them nice? Are they watery like milk or thick like ice cream?
I think about soups with bits in like chicken and vegetable etc. I tried mushroom soup once and the smell of it cooking was putrid. I couldn't bring myself to taste it when it was cooked as I was gagging far too much. Its a horrible smell! But what about other soups? Could I eat them, even with vegetables in? I wonder about pumpkin soup. Every Halloween friends on facebook talk about getting pumpkins and then making soup out of the inside stuff which they removed before carving. What does it taste like? At the same time of year I also think about butter-nut squash and wonder what the hell it is! I have seen photos in magazines of some sort of bakes with pumpkins and butter nut squash and wonder what they are like, while fascinated by the colours. I think about aubergines and wonder what you do with them and what do they taste like? Sour? Oniony? Savoury? The deep purple colour and the shiny skin is curious. I have heard of stuffed peppers, do you stuff an aubergine?
I never wonder about greens as I have said, but I also never wonder what cakes or sweet things taste like. I have no interest in adding puddings, cakes and sugary sweets to my diet. They hold no interest. I like Walls Vanilla Ice Cream and I eat Dairy Milk chocolate and Maltesers. Nothing else sweet, unless you count my breakfast cereal - Frosties. I really don't have a sweet tooth.
But I do think about food sometimes and in recent months this has increased considerably. I think about food that I don't eat and wonder what it tastes like. There is a curiosity which hasn't been there before. Its also seems to be strange food with (apparently) very strong tastes. Many of which are foods you either love or hate. When I started eating Heinz cream of tomato soup and fried button mushrooms (not together as a meal just new foods) friends and family were amazed as these were strong flavours. My Dad also constantly reminds me if I can drink Lager (Budweiser) then I should be able to eat anything as I clearly have no taste buds! Cheek!
So what do I think about? I think about beetroot. I am fascinated by the colour and firm yet soft texture. I wonder what "Beetroot" tastes like. I also think about red peppers, radishes (I know weird right!), sweetcorn and fleshy fresh fruit like water melon or similar. I never think about green vegetables. The very thought of greens makes me feel sick and I feel a tightening of my chest.
I wonder what pasta and rice tastes like. Is pasta slimey because it looks slimey and when a piece has fallen out of the saucepan into the sink when draining it feels slimey when I pick it up to chunk in the bin (When I was an undergraduate I shared with other students so pasta was one of their stable foods!). How can rice sometimes be sticky and sometimes fluffy? What does lasagne taste like? It looks meaty and filling and tasty. Is it? How strong is the tomato sauce? Is it "spicey" or "herby"?
I think about stir-fry. Are the vegetables crunchy? What does the sauce taste like? Is it hot? Does soy sauce taste salty, sweet or sour? I think about how grown up it would feel to have stir-fry and rice for dinner. And how healthy that would be.
In the summer I think about quiche. I like cheese so would I like quiche? I think about having it for dinner on a hot summers day with boiled new potatoes and a salad with beetroot. I don't eat any of these things, but I remember my Mum use to eat this sort of thing a lot in the summer because it was cool and refreshing, sometimes swapping quiche for slices of ham or a piece of chicken. I do eat chicken and certain types of ham. I wonder if I would ever be able to eat this sort of thing. Considering raw tomatoes make me physically sick, makes my skin turn bright red and itchy and gives me an upset stomach the salad might be an issue! The smell of cucumber also makes me want to gag.
I think about Chinese food and the different little cartons that come with a take-away. When friends or family have it (while I have something from the chippie) I wonder what the strong food smells are coming from. The sauce? The meat? I wonder about the tastes. I like the idea of ordering a "Chinese" with everyone else. I think about pizza and whether I could cope with the tomato base given my allergy? I like bread and cheese, and I also like ham and mushrooms so could I eat a pizza? Would it be moreish like cheese on toast? How cool would it be to go to Pizza Hut or Pizza Express and order like everyone else or to order a take-away like "normal" people.
I wonder about yoghurt. Does it taste as bad as some of them smell? Are they very sweet? Are some of them nice? Are they watery like milk or thick like ice cream?
I think about soups with bits in like chicken and vegetable etc. I tried mushroom soup once and the smell of it cooking was putrid. I couldn't bring myself to taste it when it was cooked as I was gagging far too much. Its a horrible smell! But what about other soups? Could I eat them, even with vegetables in? I wonder about pumpkin soup. Every Halloween friends on facebook talk about getting pumpkins and then making soup out of the inside stuff which they removed before carving. What does it taste like? At the same time of year I also think about butter-nut squash and wonder what the hell it is! I have seen photos in magazines of some sort of bakes with pumpkins and butter nut squash and wonder what they are like, while fascinated by the colours. I think about aubergines and wonder what you do with them and what do they taste like? Sour? Oniony? Savoury? The deep purple colour and the shiny skin is curious. I have heard of stuffed peppers, do you stuff an aubergine?
I never wonder about greens as I have said, but I also never wonder what cakes or sweet things taste like. I have no interest in adding puddings, cakes and sugary sweets to my diet. They hold no interest. I like Walls Vanilla Ice Cream and I eat Dairy Milk chocolate and Maltesers. Nothing else sweet, unless you count my breakfast cereal - Frosties. I really don't have a sweet tooth.
Thursday, 28 November 2013
Branston Pickle - well sort of!
Branston Pickle represents a real problem area of food for me. Firstly its a bit like a sauce and I do not eat sauces. Secondly its got bits in and those bits are vegetables which is even worse. Thirdly the smell of it is very strong and it looks.... well.... it looks as though it has already been eaten once!
It is most definitely not a safe food for me. It is also one of the last things I would ever think of trying. However last week I was eating dinner with Dad and we were having cold chicken which I do like as its plain and not threatening. To liven it up for himself, Dad was having some Branston Pickle with his. I was curious as to why he liked this "sweet pickle" and asked him what it tasted like. Unhelpfully he replied "it tastes like Branston Pickle"!! He then suggested I try a bit. Hell no! He then said "don't try the bits just dip your finger in and taste the sauce". Hmmmm....... Could I do that? I was curious. But was I curious enough to do that?
Well in a moment of abnormal bravery I opened the jar and plunged my little finger in. I thought I would do my usual "very tip of my finger to only get as little as possible on my finger to try" style. Instead I stuck my finger in the jar quite a way. Without really thinking I then stuck my finger in my mouth and licked all the brown pickle off! My Dad was shocked I had done it, but not as much as I was!! I then did it twice more (with different fingers obviously!).
Now I have not suddenly converted to eating pickle nor did I try any of the bits which are part of the pickle. However the brown sauce bit was not disgusting. I didn't retch and I didn't feel sick afterwards. It was a strange taste. I didn't dislike it, but I didn't like it either.
Its not really a successful tasting in the sense that I have added a new food to my diet, as I haven't. But it is a success that I managed to try it without triggering a panic attack, I could put it in my mouth, shut my mouth and swallow it and think about the taste! I have no idea why this worked or whether I did anything differently. I can only hope I have other successful tastings which might add to my diet and of course the new treatment might help.
It is most definitely not a safe food for me. It is also one of the last things I would ever think of trying. However last week I was eating dinner with Dad and we were having cold chicken which I do like as its plain and not threatening. To liven it up for himself, Dad was having some Branston Pickle with his. I was curious as to why he liked this "sweet pickle" and asked him what it tasted like. Unhelpfully he replied "it tastes like Branston Pickle"!! He then suggested I try a bit. Hell no! He then said "don't try the bits just dip your finger in and taste the sauce". Hmmmm....... Could I do that? I was curious. But was I curious enough to do that?
Well in a moment of abnormal bravery I opened the jar and plunged my little finger in. I thought I would do my usual "very tip of my finger to only get as little as possible on my finger to try" style. Instead I stuck my finger in the jar quite a way. Without really thinking I then stuck my finger in my mouth and licked all the brown pickle off! My Dad was shocked I had done it, but not as much as I was!! I then did it twice more (with different fingers obviously!).
Now I have not suddenly converted to eating pickle nor did I try any of the bits which are part of the pickle. However the brown sauce bit was not disgusting. I didn't retch and I didn't feel sick afterwards. It was a strange taste. I didn't dislike it, but I didn't like it either.
Its not really a successful tasting in the sense that I have added a new food to my diet, as I haven't. But it is a success that I managed to try it without triggering a panic attack, I could put it in my mouth, shut my mouth and swallow it and think about the taste! I have no idea why this worked or whether I did anything differently. I can only hope I have other successful tastings which might add to my diet and of course the new treatment might help.
New Treatment??
I have finally had my appointment with my GP. From the way it started I was convinced it wasn't going to go anywhere, particularly when the first thing he offered me for my weight issues was surgery!!! Er... no! I tried to explain that it wouldn't work as I would still be eating the wrong food. He smiled and said it would work as I physically couldn't eat a lot! Grrrr! New GP! Had to explain that my weight gain was not due to eating large amounts of food and in actual fact would prefer not to eat at all as I do not find food appealing. I have weight issues because the foods I can eat are so unhealthy and after 31 years I have baggage!
I eventually got him to look back through my records where he found the Neo Food Phobia diagnosis and the counselling I was sent for. As far as my records were concerned I had been cured!! That made me wonder exactly what my old GP had been doing for the last 6 years when he told me he was "writing letters" to various specialists!! Clearly lies!!
Anyway once I had managed to get my new GP to listen I then had the task of explaining what Neo Food Phobia is. Its not the most easiest thing to explain as to many people it sounds ludicrous. However as I was trying to explain, he suddenly said, "are you sure its not SED"?!! Hooray! I explained that I did think my condition was more SED as it was not just limited to new food. Anyway, he has agreed to refer me for treatment and believes Cognitive Behaviour Therapy would help. So he is sending me for an assessment to see if our local Cognitive Behaviour Therapists will take me on. If not he has reassured me he will keep pursuing this until he can find something to help me, so I can get fit, lose weight and start living my life more fully without the restrictions of SED!!
By the end of my appointment I felt very positive and hopeful. I have no idea if Cognitive Behaviour Therapy will work for me or not. I know some people who have had it for other things and it helped them, so I am open minded. Judging from other forums and Facebook groups however it seems as though the only affective treatment is a form of hypnotherapy. Again I am open minded but as the sessions are over £200 at the moment that is not something I can pursue. So I will give my GP a chance and see what he comes up with.
I will of course keep you updated on this new treatment, so for now, wish me luck!!
I eventually got him to look back through my records where he found the Neo Food Phobia diagnosis and the counselling I was sent for. As far as my records were concerned I had been cured!! That made me wonder exactly what my old GP had been doing for the last 6 years when he told me he was "writing letters" to various specialists!! Clearly lies!!
Anyway once I had managed to get my new GP to listen I then had the task of explaining what Neo Food Phobia is. Its not the most easiest thing to explain as to many people it sounds ludicrous. However as I was trying to explain, he suddenly said, "are you sure its not SED"?!! Hooray! I explained that I did think my condition was more SED as it was not just limited to new food. Anyway, he has agreed to refer me for treatment and believes Cognitive Behaviour Therapy would help. So he is sending me for an assessment to see if our local Cognitive Behaviour Therapists will take me on. If not he has reassured me he will keep pursuing this until he can find something to help me, so I can get fit, lose weight and start living my life more fully without the restrictions of SED!!
By the end of my appointment I felt very positive and hopeful. I have no idea if Cognitive Behaviour Therapy will work for me or not. I know some people who have had it for other things and it helped them, so I am open minded. Judging from other forums and Facebook groups however it seems as though the only affective treatment is a form of hypnotherapy. Again I am open minded but as the sessions are over £200 at the moment that is not something I can pursue. So I will give my GP a chance and see what he comes up with.
I will of course keep you updated on this new treatment, so for now, wish me luck!!
Tuesday, 5 November 2013
Selective Eating Disorder?
After doing a bit of research online I came across pages and forums linked to Neo-Food Phobia concerned with Selective Eating Disorder or SED. The more I read about this condition the more I feel this is a more accurate description of my problem, particularly as some descriptions included sufferers being particular with brands and how food is prepared, as well as texture and smells. This is very me, however unless I get re-diagnosed I cannot go too far down this route, but hopefully my GP will put me on the path where I may get re-categorised as having SED (although it does appear to be the same thing with a new name!).
For now here is a description of SED taken from http://treatmentsforthemind.co.uk/selective-eating-disorder-sed
"SED is sometimes also labelled as neo-phobia (or a fear of the new), although I feel this phrase is misleading as most of the clients seen will only tend to have a phobia with certain new foods and nothing else. SED is a true phobia that just happens to be associated with foods rather than animals, objects or processes. As such, it is not mere ‘fussy eating’ which tends to just be a conservative stage during most children’s development. Fussy eaters are often merely picky or play on the preferential treatment or special attention they get, but they are not phobic! . Fussy eating therefore does not involve a phobia, so SED often gets overlooked and misdiagnosed by doctors and therapists, as they confuse one with the other. In simple terms due to an event or phase in the past, pain has been associated with certain foods and the system refuses to venture past it’s safe foods. The more this situation persists, the greater the belief that one is ‘unable’ to then eat new foods because of the lack of past historical successes. Fortunately speedy help is at hand".
For now here is a description of SED taken from http://treatmentsforthemind.co.uk/selective-eating-disorder-sed
"SED is sometimes also labelled as neo-phobia (or a fear of the new), although I feel this phrase is misleading as most of the clients seen will only tend to have a phobia with certain new foods and nothing else. SED is a true phobia that just happens to be associated with foods rather than animals, objects or processes. As such, it is not mere ‘fussy eating’ which tends to just be a conservative stage during most children’s development. Fussy eaters are often merely picky or play on the preferential treatment or special attention they get, but they are not phobic! . Fussy eating therefore does not involve a phobia, so SED often gets overlooked and misdiagnosed by doctors and therapists, as they confuse one with the other. In simple terms due to an event or phase in the past, pain has been associated with certain foods and the system refuses to venture past it’s safe foods. The more this situation persists, the greater the belief that one is ‘unable’ to then eat new foods because of the lack of past historical successes. Fortunately speedy help is at hand".
Wednesday, 30 October 2013
How would I describe Neo Food Phobia?
For those of you who are familiar with my other blog, you will know in April 2012 I used my blog to confess to having the eating disorder, Neo-food phobia. I explained what this disorder was and how it presents itself. Then in later blogs I talked about how it affected my everyday life.
I am now at the point when I am attempting to get my GP to help me fight back (again!) after being told by a locum GP that treatment for this condition has moved on since I was diagnosed 7 years ago and that there should be something to help me. I thought it would be useful to start a blog devoted to my current attempt to hopefully successfully overcome this disorder while also recording the reality of living as a Neo-Food Phobic. I will share as much as I feel able to, about any treatment my GP arranges and any attempts at trying new foods. I hope this will encourage me to stay strong and stick with this instead of getting frustrated and giving up as I have done in the past. I also hope that if any other Neo-Food Phobics read this blog they will know they are not alone and that perhaps there is hope in new treatments.
Here is my original blog about Neo-Food Phobia:
"I have shared some of my opinions, my love of books and craft and history, my uni work and my life with my friends. But one thing I have kept purposefully secret. I have kept it secret because its embarrassing and difficult to understand if you don't have it or are close to someone who has it. However I have decided to talk about in the hope of spreading awareness and understanding. The secret is I have an eating disorder. However unlike the infamous three of Anorexia, Bulimia and Over Eating, my eating disorder is not so well known and definitely not met with understanding and sympathy when revealed in the same way the infamous three are. I have something called Neo-Food phobia. In simple terms this means I have a fear of trying and eating new foods. Usually this disorder gets brushed off as "fussy eating" or the "picky eating" syndrome. A lot of people even laugh it off, denying it is a real thing! Well as someone who has suffered with this for 30 years, I can honestly tell you its a very real thing!!
Usually this disorder sets in between the ages of 2 and 5 when a child is going through crucial development stages including their relationship with food. Something happens that interrupts this process and the natural development is halted or even stopped. This is particularly noticeable when you find yourself as an adult saying you won't eat something because it has bits in, or has a sauce on it or it or has green vegetables with it! Psychologically speaking the child suffers a traumatic or stressful experience where they react by exerting control over the only thing they can, which is what they eat. Alternatively they associate a negative experience with a particular type of food. Luckily Neo-Food phobia is becoming more and more understood so children with this disorder are being identified at a younger age and receiving the help they need to correct this disorder and not carry it into adult life. The problem is this change is only just happening now. When I was a child and for hundreds of other Neo-Food phobics this condition was not understood when they were children and they are now walking around as adults still with it. To add to this, Neo- Food phobia is only just being recognised as a condition found in children. To get this diagnosis as an adult takes forever. It also means there isn't really any treatment for adults with this disorder.
For me I was about 3 years old when my eating problems started. They continued on until I was about 7 years old. By then the damage was done and my range of foods has not really changed or developed since then. With no understanding of this condition I was labelled a fussy eater and that was that. I was finally diagnosed as a Neo-Food phobic when I was 24, only 6 years ago. The reality of this disorder affects every aspect of my life. It is not simply being a bit fussy or particular about what you eat. When people find out it is usually by me saying I don't like something for the 100th time and question why I can't just try something or how do I know I don't like something if I haven't tried it. If only they could understand!
Being a Neo-Food phobic means that trying new food is almost impossible. Even the thought of trying something new can trigger a serious panic attack. For me there are various stages of trying a new food. To actually put something in my mouth, chew it and swallow it is an amazing achievement. That's without any discussion of flavour or whether I like it! The panic usually sets in as soon as trying something raises its head. You start to breathe quickly, your heart beats faster, you get very hot and sweaty, you start to feel sick and start to shake. This is before you have even put something on the plate. In order to try the food all these elements have to be overcome. You lift the food to your mouth, but you cannot get your brain to open your mouth. Its clamped shut. You may consciously be thinking you want to try the food but sub-consciously your brain is having none of it. It reacts by releasing large amounts of adrenaline into your blood stream, it's natural reaction to fear, the fight or flight response. However despite your fear your not going to run away as its only a piece of fruit or a spoonful on pasta for God's sake! This means the adrenaline doesn't get used. The adrenaline makes your heart beat faster, your breathing quicker and as its not being used up, makes you feel queasy too. If by some miracle you get the food in your mouth now you have to close your mouth and chew. At this point the panic attack really gets going and your throat starts to tighten and the saliva that you desperately need to help chew seems to disappear. Then the retching starts. Sometimes you can hold it back but most of the time this leads to vomiting and game over. If you do fight it and manage to chew, cope with the new textures and flavours and then swallow, one of two things happen. One, the piece of food comes back up at lightening speed or, two, full panic attack, trouble breathing, retching, crying, shaking etc. Only after this can you think about such frivolous things such as did you like it!".
(April 2012).
I am now at the point when I am attempting to get my GP to help me fight back (again!) after being told by a locum GP that treatment for this condition has moved on since I was diagnosed 7 years ago and that there should be something to help me. I thought it would be useful to start a blog devoted to my current attempt to hopefully successfully overcome this disorder while also recording the reality of living as a Neo-Food Phobic. I will share as much as I feel able to, about any treatment my GP arranges and any attempts at trying new foods. I hope this will encourage me to stay strong and stick with this instead of getting frustrated and giving up as I have done in the past. I also hope that if any other Neo-Food Phobics read this blog they will know they are not alone and that perhaps there is hope in new treatments.
Here is my original blog about Neo-Food Phobia:
"I have shared some of my opinions, my love of books and craft and history, my uni work and my life with my friends. But one thing I have kept purposefully secret. I have kept it secret because its embarrassing and difficult to understand if you don't have it or are close to someone who has it. However I have decided to talk about in the hope of spreading awareness and understanding. The secret is I have an eating disorder. However unlike the infamous three of Anorexia, Bulimia and Over Eating, my eating disorder is not so well known and definitely not met with understanding and sympathy when revealed in the same way the infamous three are. I have something called Neo-Food phobia. In simple terms this means I have a fear of trying and eating new foods. Usually this disorder gets brushed off as "fussy eating" or the "picky eating" syndrome. A lot of people even laugh it off, denying it is a real thing! Well as someone who has suffered with this for 30 years, I can honestly tell you its a very real thing!!
Usually this disorder sets in between the ages of 2 and 5 when a child is going through crucial development stages including their relationship with food. Something happens that interrupts this process and the natural development is halted or even stopped. This is particularly noticeable when you find yourself as an adult saying you won't eat something because it has bits in, or has a sauce on it or it or has green vegetables with it! Psychologically speaking the child suffers a traumatic or stressful experience where they react by exerting control over the only thing they can, which is what they eat. Alternatively they associate a negative experience with a particular type of food. Luckily Neo-Food phobia is becoming more and more understood so children with this disorder are being identified at a younger age and receiving the help they need to correct this disorder and not carry it into adult life. The problem is this change is only just happening now. When I was a child and for hundreds of other Neo-Food phobics this condition was not understood when they were children and they are now walking around as adults still with it. To add to this, Neo- Food phobia is only just being recognised as a condition found in children. To get this diagnosis as an adult takes forever. It also means there isn't really any treatment for adults with this disorder.
For me I was about 3 years old when my eating problems started. They continued on until I was about 7 years old. By then the damage was done and my range of foods has not really changed or developed since then. With no understanding of this condition I was labelled a fussy eater and that was that. I was finally diagnosed as a Neo-Food phobic when I was 24, only 6 years ago. The reality of this disorder affects every aspect of my life. It is not simply being a bit fussy or particular about what you eat. When people find out it is usually by me saying I don't like something for the 100th time and question why I can't just try something or how do I know I don't like something if I haven't tried it. If only they could understand!
Being a Neo-Food phobic means that trying new food is almost impossible. Even the thought of trying something new can trigger a serious panic attack. For me there are various stages of trying a new food. To actually put something in my mouth, chew it and swallow it is an amazing achievement. That's without any discussion of flavour or whether I like it! The panic usually sets in as soon as trying something raises its head. You start to breathe quickly, your heart beats faster, you get very hot and sweaty, you start to feel sick and start to shake. This is before you have even put something on the plate. In order to try the food all these elements have to be overcome. You lift the food to your mouth, but you cannot get your brain to open your mouth. Its clamped shut. You may consciously be thinking you want to try the food but sub-consciously your brain is having none of it. It reacts by releasing large amounts of adrenaline into your blood stream, it's natural reaction to fear, the fight or flight response. However despite your fear your not going to run away as its only a piece of fruit or a spoonful on pasta for God's sake! This means the adrenaline doesn't get used. The adrenaline makes your heart beat faster, your breathing quicker and as its not being used up, makes you feel queasy too. If by some miracle you get the food in your mouth now you have to close your mouth and chew. At this point the panic attack really gets going and your throat starts to tighten and the saliva that you desperately need to help chew seems to disappear. Then the retching starts. Sometimes you can hold it back but most of the time this leads to vomiting and game over. If you do fight it and manage to chew, cope with the new textures and flavours and then swallow, one of two things happen. One, the piece of food comes back up at lightening speed or, two, full panic attack, trouble breathing, retching, crying, shaking etc. Only after this can you think about such frivolous things such as did you like it!".
(April 2012).
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